So much lung tissue to destroy... But so little time!
     Have you ever found yourself reaching the end of your smoke break after only having completed a measly one or two cigs? Well, we here at UberSmoker Inc believe we have the answer for you. We are currently developing a fantastic new product which will propel you through an entire pack in seven minutes flat. How, you ask, could this be possible!? Through the magic of a 17 amp vacuum cleaner.

     Envision this: After a minor surgery, you now have a tube guided into your chest cavity through your navel. Just above your stomach, this pipe forks off into two smaller pipes which then connect to the base of your lungs. Now, simply connect your fanny-pack vacuum unit to the pipe extending from your navel, open your mouth, switch it on, and you're ready for some UberSmoking.

     All you have to do is pop that paper rolled shaft of tobacco in between your lips, and you'll instantly feel a wave of smooth black tar and soothing toxics wafting down your trachea into your lungs.

     Tingling with excitement yet? Don't worry, so are we. After we've finished paying off various health and safety agencies, the AutoSmoker 2000 will hit the stores as early as next month.